Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Anxiety and loaves

I just read this: 'five loaves plus Jesus equals 10,000 loaves, or something like that.' Which ends in a call to remember this story and trust that God wil, in accordance with Phillipians 4:19 abumdantly supply all our needs in Jesus Christ.

Whcih got me thinking about nthe way i've been feeling for the last couple of weeks. I've been really anxious about getting my visa to live and work in the USA next year. The sort of anxiety that ties itself up in your stomach and doesn't let you sleep...that sort that made me worry that my greatest treasure was going to be a piece of paper in my passport rather than the Lord of Heaven and Earth.

But the most worrisome and deceptive thing about this feeling was that i didn't really notice it until it was gone. It was replaced, not by another feeling, but by a pleasant lack of feeling, a sunny void where the ball used to be, a good nights sleep. Jeremiah tells me, and he's right, that my heart is deceptive above all things, desperately sick...who can understand it? My heart is so sick i don't know when it's sick. My heart is so broken i don't even recognise it. I don't know that i'm worried about something until i'm not worried any more.

How neccesary is the psalmists cry to the Lord to search me and know my heart, to declare me innocent of hidden sin. The problem is not that i sin, although that is a problem, but that i am sinful. My heart needs the Word, it needs prayer, it needs guarding, it needs the blood, or it will never be clean. Without those things i'd never even know it was dirty...

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